Once I woke up sexually, I looked at everything differently. I even looked at comic books anew. Suddenly, I half-understood what Archie wanted from Veronica. I'm still trying to figure out what Jughead wanted from Reggie.

Everyone plays golf now, which is a lot like going to a strip club. You get all charged up, pay big money to hang out on a beautiful course, and start drinking early. Eighteen holes later, you're plastered and frustrated, and most of your balls are missing.

Women call men liars. It's semantics, really. We call it bullshitting.
In Don't Stand Too Close To A Naked Man, Tim Allen takes us through the rites of passage, from fixing up his banana-seat Stingray-which was fine until he decided to spray-paint it purple-to discourse on the various "sugar food groups." he ponders why parents believe that kids don't want to eat the same thing every night, the nature of his mom's cooking ("What is cubed steak, anyway?"), and fun with BB guns. He reveals his earliest moment of sexual awareness, which occurred when he saw his first Playboy pinup, and realized that every woman is naked underneath her clothes.

In the chapter "The Wonderful World Of Guys," Tim explains male behavior in all its glory, including how guys behave around their best friends' girlfriends, guys at parties, and Things Men Never Want To Hear ("Gee, I've never seen one quite that misshapen"). He shows how to tell the difference between flirting and hitting on someone, and recalls his early dating experiences, as well as his first (rejected) marriage proposal to his wife. There are helpful tips for dealing with women, such as how to answer the question, "How do I look in this?" (Clue: Never comment on a woman's derriere), on women's accoutrements ("A woman will have sixty purses, and I still have the wallet I made in camp"), and on women's magazines. He ponders such questions as why women can't understand wht men do in the garage all morning; and why the boats in bass fishing tournaments have to be so fast ("Are bass particularly fast little fish? Are Jim Bob and Sam Bob trying to run them down?").

Tim reveals how he used comedy to extract himself from dangerous situations while he served time in prison. he discusses the impact upon his life of his father's sudden death in a car accident, as well as other issues such as the value of monogamy in marriage, the creative forces inherent in all men, and his belief tht men without women are violent, sad, uninspired, and one-sided.

There are hilarious meditations on everything from butt cracks to why men lie, to why women think they're always right, to how to tell when a womean isn't interested (Tip: these are not female courting cues: when she's sucking her own elbow, scratching anyplace, or adjusting her underpants) - all with Tim Allen's tradmark wit. It's a world of supercharged hemis, fart-lighting, beef jerky, and ogling "Victoria's Secret" catalogs.

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